So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
