Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
