I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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