just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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