Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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