I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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