Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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