drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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