You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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