Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
