I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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