is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
