i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
