I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Randomize
