listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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