Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
