I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
