I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
