Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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