i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize