highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
