even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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