New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Randomize
