You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
