My friends, they love my intelligence
They should really pass out barf bags in church
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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