Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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