i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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