for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
