before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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