I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
