Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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