Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
