i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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