Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
