If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
