Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
