FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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