your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
