I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
