I just threw up on my dentist
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
