At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
