I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Four minutes until I can fart!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
