I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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