During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
