Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize