I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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