If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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