i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
