Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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