Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
