I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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