my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
