You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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