How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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