Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
