i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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