JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
