Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
