btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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